Thursday, 20 October 2016

I hate you don't leave me

I am sad. I am angry. I am okay. I am anxious. I am happy. I am numb. I am every emotion rolled into one.

I hate you. You're horrible! Leave me alone. Please don't leave me. You're a good person. I'm lonely. I need you. I'm a bad person. Go away! I don't need you. I'm sorry. I hate you. Don't leave me.

I am inconsolable when I cry. I am bubbly and bright when I'm happy. I throw things, shout, scream and hurt people when I am angry. I hurt myself so I don't feel so empty. I deserve it. I am a bad person on my bad days. I attempt suicide because I feel like there is no other way out. I am sometimes uncontrollable. I am impulsive. I make reckless decisions. I hurt people because my head tells me they're bad. I want people to hurt as much as I hurt. Things are black and white, there is no in between. I push my friends away. Please don't leave me.

I am treated like a criminal by society and the police. Society tells me I am crazy, that I should be locked up, that I will never amount to anything. The police tell me I am childish, that I am wasting their time, that the next time they see me they'll treat me like a criminal because that's what I'll turn into. I am a bad person.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

"You know what that is, don't you? A disorder that's VERY hard to treat. You'll probably end up killing yourself or locked up." 

This was something I was told by a police officer. A force that is supposed to make me feel safe, from both others and myself, yet tell me I'm just being silly and lock me up when I'm having a bad day. BPD makes me feel like the world is a bad place, and this just validates that.

What's it like having BPD? Surely it's not THAT bad?

"Crippling" "intense" "rollercoaster" "chaos" "lonely" "draining" "violent" "unstable"
"A suffocation of all that is good"
"It's not knowing what normal is anymore and having the equivalent of a third degree burn on my emotional skin"
"It's like living in a nightmare that you can't wake up from".

These are all words used by people who have BPD, to describe what living with it on a daily basis is like. Unless you've been through it, you will never be able to understand.

But let me just tell you one thing. If I tell you I hate you and never want to speak to you again, don't leave me. It isn't me talking, it's the BPD part of me. I love you with all my heart and need you in my life. If I am having a bad day, comfort me. Don't shout, please.

I am not a criminal. I do not deserved to be treated like one. I am a human being.

I am a good person, and I will get better. Please don't make me feel like I won't.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and I am not a monster.

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